


When All Else Fails

by s0joshdun



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Blood Loss, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Feels, Love Triangles, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Pain, Panic Attacks, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Vacation, Violence, joshler - Freeform, shark attack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-06 22:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4238931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s0joshdun/pseuds/s0joshdun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler and Josh go on weekend getaway with their friends and crew in between tour dates. Just a short trip, some nice time for much needed relaxation. Of course, sand stuck in every nook and cranny of your body and some shitty sunburn kind of ruins the whole end game relaxation goal. But you can't complain about that because unlike other incidents, it happens to everyone. It's the more uncommon situation, the one that you don't really think too much about when you go in the ocean, that drives the boys to cancel the rest of the tour. </p><p>Joshler au in which Josh has a, er, life changing experience. And the band faces logistical as well as personal obstacles. What kind of 'best of the situation' will josh make when, in basically every aspect of his life, all else fails? </p><p>--<br/>heyy i'm on vacation so naturally when i'm on the beach all i can daydream about are joshler aus and this is the one that i got stuck on the most. hold ur horses bc even i don't know how to resolve this one.<br/>*will be updated more often now, after a 2 year hiatus :O *</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Incident

Out of everyone wading in the hip deep water, Josh sees the shark first. He sees it as it opens its mouth, baring all three layers of teeth. He sees it as it chopms down on its prey. 

You see, sharks don't really actively hunt for humans. They don't actively hunt for boogy boards, either. That's just what it happened to find this time. 

Josh sees Tyler flinging himself off of the boogie board next. The shark doesn't realize that it _wasn't_ actually attacking a giant turtle. It carries on chomping away, not tasting the cardboard or human flesh, looking for more. 

Josh only sees the ripped up cardboard and assumes the worst, sprinting through the water to the shaking Tyler. Tyler currently assumes the worst, too. He doesn't react well to peril situations. The shark had only skimmed its teeth down Tyler's side, but neither he nor Josh knew that. He wasn't dramatic or anything but he figured the shark had taken a bite out of his side like a marinated piece of steak. 

It's what shock does to a person. 

The shark still has its heart set on Tyler. Josh sees this too. As Tyler struggles to get his bearings straight and run out of the water like everyone else, the shark bites again, this time enjoying a piece of Tyler's thigh. It's only a flesh wound but they wouldn't know the difference between that and something more serious until a little bit later. 

Tyler screams. Of course he screams. A shark just ripped up his skin like he was a chew toy. Josh screams too. His protective instincts kick in and he grabs Tyler from under his arm, holding out his other arm in defense. 

You don't really think about what the right or wrong thing to do is in this kind of situation. You don't really think at all. 

Josh doesn't think, he only _does_. He hoists up his friend slash bandmate and just throws him out of harms way. Adrenaline is a life saver. 

Tyler collapses into shallow water, and other friends come and drag him out onto the sand. Now it's his turn to see. He sees his own bloody trail.

Then he sees the shark wrestle with Josh. He tries to scream for him but he was suffocated by hands; everyone was focusing on Tyler and his injury, forgetting that an angry shark still swam in the same water Josh was struggling to get out of. He’s shaking, frothing around, not able to find his arms and legs because that's what shock does to a person. 

That's also what a shark bite does to a person. There's another gurgling scream that Josh doesn't recognize as his own until he recognizes that he probably shouldn't have put his arm out. He probably should have reacted a little differently. He probably should have thought a little more. 

He suddenly, _literally_ , can't find his right arm. 

Tyler screams when he sees the blood pumping out of the stub on the side of his friend's body. A little ways away, he sees the fin of the shark, and a hand sticking up out of the water. Too far away from Josh to still be considered _his_ arm. It was the shark's, now. 

Josh stumbles onto the shore. Tyler isn't the only one who sees, now. Other people drag Josh out of the water. It’s not even water any more. Too much blood. Tyler had never seen so much blood in his life. 

Josh isn’t screaming like Tyler was. He just blankly stares into the sun. Tyler scrambles over to where Josh was laying and puts his hands over his friend's face. 

Josh tilts his head to the right. People had wrapped shirts around where his arm used to be. His body vibrates. 

"Josh, Josh," Tyler urges him not to look at it. He taps his cheeks to get him to turn his head again. Josh stares up at the sun again. Tyler's face is now in the way. He’s still staring in the sun. 

"Josh. Josh, keep your eyes open," Tyler says with a wince. His thigh burns as sand mixes into his shark bite. He suddenly realizes the difference between a flesh wound and something more serious. 

Someone pulls Tyler away from Josh, despite his efforts to thrash out of their control. Josh's head rolls to the side, blankly, in shock, too much blood lost. 

They slap both boys onto lifeguard paddles. Tyler's injury would just need about a hundred stitches a few layers deep. 

They weren't exactly sure what Josh's injury would need.


	2. Plan B

_"I'm Tyler Joseph," he said, smiling brightly at the curly, dark haired boy that their mutual friends introduced him too._

_"Nice to meet you. Joshua Dun technically. Josh is good, uh, yeah, just Josh," he stammered, keeping a friendly smile on his face even though he was nervous as hell. He didn't go out much, but his best friend Debby dragged him out to a small gathering. Basically a bunch of barely-adults jamming in some dude's basement. It reminded Josh of old high school gatherings, a burnt out party. At least it had nicer alcohol. Not that Josh drank, though. It was just what he heard buzzing around._

_Josh continued to smile at Tyler but grabbed onto Debby's arm for support. As usual, she swept in easily and started a conversation for the both of them. They ended up talking about music, something that he had such ease talking about it didn't matter that he was talking to the cutest guy he's seen in months._

_"Do you play anything?" Tyler asked._

_"Er, yeah, a bit," Josh said shyly._

_"A bit?! Joshua don't be so modest. He kills it on the drums," Debby encouraged. She ran her fingers through her grey-dyed hair and nudged her best friend._

_Josh shrugged. "It's basically all I do," he said, rubbing the back of his neck with a nervous chuckle._

_"Hey that's awesome! Want to jam for a bit? I play piano mainly, and I sing and stuff."_

_Josh was a little skeptical. Piano and drums? How the hell did those go together? But it was the gorgeous Tyler Joseph asking him to play and Debby was giving him googily eyes, so he figured: why not?_

_Within a few minutes, the pair had gathered a nice crowd around them. Josh banged on the drums with all his might and altered the beats perfectly in tune with whatever Tyler played on the piano. It was pure art. Everyone was smiling, some had dropped jaws, and Tyler had a serious, excited glint in his eyes._

_"Josh," he breathed, pulling him to the side. He kept his hand around Josh's arm without realizing it, holding on to him just in case he disappeared forever because _damn_ he was good and he couldn't let this guy go without at least a conversation. "Josh, you're _so_ good. Where did you come from?"_

_Josh blushed. "Um, thank you," he chuckled. "You're really good too, Ty." He could almost taste his dreams coming true and he had a feeling Tyler was thinking the same thing._

_He was. "Josh, come around again some time? It's fun to jam with you." Tyler grinned hard and shook his head. He couldn't believe he had found someone this cool with such an amazing talent._

_Josh nodded and smiled. Debby winked at him._

_Tyler took a deep breath and let go of Josh's arm. They parted ways for then, but ended up talking the rest of the night once the gathering had cleared up a bit._

_The next few weeks, Josh and Tyler became really close friends. Tyler had been in a band; it lacked energy and both of the other guys weren't into it for the long run._

_Tyler had a feeling for a while that Josh would be his person. They'd be each other's person. His band fell a part but he wasn't even upset. He knew that he and Josh needed to make music together, and here was the perfect opportunity._

_Tyler’s old drummer suggested that Josh joined the band—they were mutual friends, too—as if it was even a question. Tyler brought it up to his now best friend when they were at their usual spot, no other place than taco bell._

_"Well, I have no plan B, so, uh, yeah, that sounds cool," Josh said, only half joking. Music was his plan A and Tyler knew all about that._

_Tyler grinned happily and reached across the table to touch his hand to Josh’s forearm. Making music with who had quickly become one of his best friends, changing lives, finding purpose—it was the best case scenario._

Josh moans when he peels his eyes open. His eyes don’t even open all of the way: he’s too weak to even lift them. He’s weak and in a lot of pain, pain that he can’t even place to a specific point. Not yet at least.

He lets out a wispy breath. His mind runs at full speed, interesting because it makes him feel out of breath even though he isn’t even moving. It makes him feel like he is moving. He’s moving fast and there’s salt water everywhere, and he can’t breathe, he’s choking, and there’s so much blood, and his arm—

 _His arm_.

Josh tilts his head to the right. He realizes this is where the pain is coming from. The first thing Josh does is scream. It’s an unintelligible sound, just a loud shout of agony. A scream born from plain shock. 

Then it all really sinks in. His breathing picks up. He checks his left arm. His skin is ghastly from loss of blood. He looks at the lack of right arm again. It can’t be real. It can’t be real, oh God, it can’t be real. 

Josh is panicking. He looks at his right arm. He looks at where his right arm should be. There’s nothing. Just a shoulder and a short stump. Nothing. No colors. No art. No arm. No elbow, not wrist, no hand, no fingers. Nothing. No art. Not tattoos. He’s panicking and he can’t stop to look at the colors and the art tattooed on his arm because his arm isn’t there anymore.

That’s over seven hundred dollars of work right there too, gone, literally ripped off of his body like it belonged in the trash instead of the MOMA. He can’t calm down because he can’t lose himself in the colors that once made him feel better. He screams again.

“Josh! Josh, Josh, Josh,” he hears Tyler’s voice, next. He feels his hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t realize that he had been there the entire time. Josh whimpers into Tyler’s hand and continues to look back and forth between his face and his missing arm and his face again and oh god, Tyler—

“It’s all gone,” he croaks out. 

“Shh, Josh, please try and calm down. You have to stay still,” Tyler says gently. 

Josh feels another hand on him, this time touching his elbow on his in tact arm. He figures there’s lot of other people in the room but all he can focus on right now is his missing arm and his Tyler. 

“Tyler,” Josh whispers in horror. “Tyler, it’s all gone. Tyler, I can’t breathe.”

“Josh, Josh, look at me,” Tyler whispers back, placing both his palms on Josh’s cheeks. He lifts his friend’s head so he’s not staring at the empty space to his right. “Look at me,” Tyler says gently. Josh still shakes and cries and cries and cries. 

“Tyler, Tyler,” Josh whispers. “Tyler, help, it’s all gone.”

Tyler blinks and tears fall onto his cheek. He sees how much pain Josh is in, how weak he is, how horrible of shape he is in. So much blood. There had been so much blood. Josh almost _died_. So Tyler doesn’t care about anything right now, except for the fact that he’s still breathing. 

But Josh cares about a lot more. “Tyler, I’m so sorry,” he cries. His eyes flicker down to his missing arm again, even though Tyler begs him not to look. His lack of arm. His lack of drumming future. He looks back up at Tyler, somehow calm, his eyes burning and his body tired and ready to pass out from the panicky exertion. “I don’t have a plan B.”


	3. Promises

Josh spends the next few days in the Intensive Care Unit. He doesn’t know this because, well, he’s unconscious. Tyler knows this. His close friend and roommate Debby knows this. His parents and brothers and sisters know this. Josh’s panic attack when he woke up for the first time had sent him over the edge. His body simply couldn’t handle it. 

His body also couldn’t really handle the blood that was transfused into his system. 

It's a few days before Josh regains consciousness. Tyler spends that time with his head buried into his arms in the hallway. It's a family only room until Josh becomes better stabilized. He doesn't talk to anyone—not his parents, not his other friends. All he can think about is Josh. 

Luckily Tyler doesn't have to deal with band logistics—his manager had called the remaining venues of the tour, canceling all future shows. 

They had wanted to keep the incident hushed for Josh's privacy, but news stations of course got wind of it. Everyone knows what happened. Fans bombard his Twitter with questions and notes of concern. 

Tyler decides not to send out a tweet or message to fans until Josh is awake and understands what's going on himself—and those are two entirely separate things. Josh's mom pokes her head out of the room to tell Tyler that the first of the two is done. The second is going to be a lot more difficult. 

She exits and takes a shaky breath. Seeing her son like that... It was tough. 

Tyler thanks Mrs. Dun. She hugs him on his way in. 

"Hey, Joshy," Tyler says, smiling at his friend. It's a forced smile. It's hard to smile looking at your best friend like that. Josh forces a smile back—of course he does. He's always trying to smile, especially if it's a smile for Tyler. 

Tyler sits down close to his side, the side where Josh still had an arm. He doesn't look at the other. 

Josh blinks tiredly. "Hey," he murmurs. He reaches up with his left arm, his good one, gesturing for a hug, sloppily throwing his hand over Tyler's right shoulder and letting his fingers brush against the side of his neck, his skin is so soft and it's nice to be able to feel something other than pain. 

Tyler leans in carefully. He doesn't want to hurt him. 

Josh, by habit, tries to lift his right side, to swing an arm that isn't there around to complete the hug. It hurts. He starts to cry softly into Tyler's shoulder. 

"Shh, shh," Tyler eases Josh down. "You're okay."

Josh lets out an uneasy breath. He's felt so sick ever since he woke up in the ICU. He has more fluids in his body now and all he wants to do is throw it all up. 

"Ty, how are you?" Josh asks, glancing at his leg. "Are you okay?"

Tyler sniffs and lets a small smile out. "I'm okay, Jishwa. I'm okay. Thank you." He doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't want Josh to worry about him. He doesn't want Josh to worry about anything. 

But all Josh can picture in his head right now is the shark taking a nice bite out of his best friend's thigh. He flashes back to Tyler's screams of pain and the panic in the water, and the trail of blood that was left behind by Tyler. It's all he can remember happening, anyways. Tyler Tyler Tyler and all that blood coming from his leg and then a lot of pain, and then a lot of numbness and then a lot of nothing. 

"I was so scared," Josh whispers. Tyler nods, keeping his left arm draped over Josh's chest and his right hand holding Josh's left forearm. Holding on to him, like the time they first met, afraid that he would lose him. Afraid that he'd lose a good thing. 

"I guess," Josh sniffs, "I guess I'm," he sniffs again and forces a weak smile, so weak, his skin is still grayish and his face is still a little hollow, so so weak, "I guess I'm really kicked out of the band for real this time." He says. He meant it as a joke, some sort of sick joke, but it feels real falling off of his tongue. So sick. So weak. He starts to cry again. 

Tyler coos at Josh again, small gentle shushes to calm him down. "Don't say that, Josh. It's not true. You're twenty one pilots and always will be. It's not over. I promise. Don't say that." 

Josh nods and tilts his head into Tyler's hand. He doesn't have a clue how in the world twenty one pilots can continue like this. This thought nearly sends him into another panicky fit. But Tyler's hand is on the side of his head and his thumb is brushing across his cheek and his palm is warm and he _promises._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the pain and heartaches, friends. thanks for reading. it'll get better and not as painful soon i promise 
> 
> if you'd like to read a happier beach related au, check out my recently added work, josh is a mermaid and tyler is smitten :)


	4. Step By Step

Josh stares out the airplane at the clouds the entire flight back to LA, his left shoulder against the window, the left side of his forehead on the window, eyes shifted to the left—the right forgotten. 

Josh is going to live with his parents for the next few weeks in Ohio, but insisted on going back to his apartment in LA to put away some stuff he had brought on tour, maybe the last tour he'd never finish, and to see Debby, one of his roommates and of course best friend. And Tyler, well, he insisted on going back with Josh, too. He didn't want him to travel alone. 

Josh doesn't speak. He doesn't know what to say. And it kills him to just carry on with normal conversations and act like nothing is wrong or different. Because everything is different. 

"Josh, you can stay at my place with Mark if you want? If your family becomes too much," Tyler offers. 

But Josh shakes his head. "My mom wants me home. I need my family." In reality, though, Josh isn't sure what he needs. Being around Tyler doesn't seem like the best idea, though. Getting too dependent on his help, only to be crushed and lonely when Tyler goes off to spend a night at his girlfriend's house, he just can't put himself through it. It's bad enough that he had become reliant on their alone time on tour; now, he isn't sure they'd ever get that back again. 

Everything's going to change, every dynamic of friendship and love and life; Josh has to get used to Life Without Tyler. 

Another thing he has to get used to feeling: the disappointment. Everyone feels it, he knows Tyler feels it especially. 

Of course, Tyler doesn't actually feel the disappointment--maybe for the situation, but not Josh. Never Josh. Besides, he isn't in the best shape, either; the muscles in Tyler's thigh had been torn to shreds by the shark. He has to use crutches to walk.

But Josh's own disappointment bounces off of Tyler's gentle eyes, just a reflection of what he feels, not a representation of Tyler's thoughts. He's not against him, not blaming him, but Josh is blind to that. 

"I understand," Tyler says, a little sadly. He easily considers Josh as family, too. He doesn't bring it up again, though. 

When the plane lands, Tyler goes to nudge the now sleeping Josh awake, grimacing when he swats for an arm that isn't there. He gently taps his thigh, instead. 

"Josh-y, we're here." 

Josh sucks in a breath and nods, blinking a few times in a row to wake himself up. He bites down hard on his lip as he struggles to even undo the seatbelt with his shaking left hand. 

"Fucking damnit," he curses, frustrated, nearly at the brink of tears already. All over a damn seat belt, too. 

Tyler swallows and looks away. When he does, he sees a girl towards the front of the plane, staring. Not at Josh's arm, though, like most people stare at. But at Tyler, his eyes. She's wearing a Clique shirt. Of course. 

Josh notices too. He flips his hood up and sinks into himself. He nudges Tyler. "I don't want to talk to them yet," he says lowly. Tyler looks back at the girl and smiles apologetically, while shaking his head.

"Hey, I was thinking we should probably send a tweet or some kind of message out now, right?"

"Didn’t the press managers already do that?" 

"Yeah but, like, nothing directly from us yet. I think a small tweet would be nice," Tyler says. 

"Wanna know what else would be nice? Having a fucking right arm," Josh snaps, unnecessarily he knows, but he can't help it. He's so bitter still; it hasn't even been a week. The stitches are still in where they patched up his stub of an arm. It still hurts like hell. He had been in the hospital for three days after waking up out of the ICU. Camera crews had chased him out of the parking lot. He hasn't had time to be angry yet. He's been sad, in shock, sad again, numb, in a daze. The anger is here now. It's locked in his clenched fist and gritted teeth. It's banging on his chest and squeezing in his lungs. 

But not anger for Tyler. Never Tyler. 

He looks at him sadly and blinks. "I'm sorry, Ty." 

Tyler just shakes his head, smiles softly, and gently grips the space between Josh's shoulder and neck. "It's okay Josh. C'mon, Debby's waiting."

The two exit the plane, Josh swallowing his pride a little and letting Tyler grab his bag from the overheard carrier even though he's stubborn and wanted to do it all himself. 

They don't have to go to baggage claim because they had opted for everything they brought on tour to be shipped back to their places. They wouldn't be able to carry it all themselves. 

Tyler swings his way towards the airport terminal exit, Josh in tow. He looks at Josh with a grin on his face, pressing the crutches a step ahead and then swinging his legs forward playfully. Josh laughs, only because Tyler is smiling and it makes his heart twist happily. 

"Josh! Tyler!" They turn their heads into the sunlight, squinting at the now auburn-color-haired Debby jogging into their directions. She collides into Josh's arms—er, his arm, his hold, his neck. 

"Josh, it's good to see you," she whispers. When she had heard about the accident, and how bad of shape Josh was in, she wasn't sure if she'd ever get to see him again. 

"You too Debs," Josh smiles. She pulls away and then leans in, placing an excited, impulsive kiss on his lips. She hugs him tightly again, mumbling how much she loves him. Josh sways with her back and forth. 

Debby and Josh had once gone through a short phase of dating each other, but mutually decided that they're better off as best friends, both having eyes for someone else in a romantic sense anyways. But kisses are still shared between them, here and there, friend kisses, locking lips for a love that would always last. 

Tyler knows this but still swallows thickly and looks away. 

When they pull away, Debby smiles at Tyler. "Hey, Ty," she greets him softly and gives him a hug, too. "How are my boys feeling?" 

They both shrug. "It's nice to be out of there," Tyler answers simply, referring back to the hospital, the icky and sterile and brightly lit rooms, stuffy hallways, death on one side, birth on the other, and the rest of them caught uncomfortably in the middle. 

Debby gnaws are her bottom lip a little. "Have you talked to Jenna? I’m sure you're ready to see her." 

This time Josh turns away. 

"Yeah, yeah," Tyler breathes, nodding. "I'll get to see her in a few days. She understands, she knows this is where I need to be." He subconsciously stands a little closer to the zoned out Josh, touching his elbow to remind him that he's still here. "She says hi, by the way." Debby smiles. 

"Okay, well we have to make a detour on the way home, okay? So let's go!" Her face pales and she feels a little sick when she goes to grab Josh's free arm, the one Tyler isn't still brushing against, the one that isn't even there. 

Josh doesn't notice, but Tyler does. He moves away and let's Debby recover quickly, so she can hook her arm through Josh's left. 

"Where we goin', Debs?" Josh asks. They all pile into her car, Tyler in the back, Josh in the front passenger seat, Debby driving. She glances at the two of them while turning the key in the ignition. "Well it's almost dinner time, I figured you guys would be hungry and interested in some Taco Bell."

Tyler and Josh react instinctively, whooping and hollering with excitement. Josh turns in his seat to fist bump Tyler, but, _fuck_ , it's always a right fist bump and he can't get his body turned naturally enough to do it lefty. Josh just sinks into his seat in defeat. 

"The hand shake," Josh mumbles, realizing they won't be able to do it anymore, Josh won't be able to do it with fans either, they won't be able to even have shows to do it at anyway, because they don't have a drummer, or at least right now they don't have one that can work. Suddenly the question that they once asked themselves several years back, _how are we going to put on a good enough show with just two people?_ seems so much easier than the question they ask themselves now, _how are we going to put on a show at all?_

Tyler leans forward in his seat and grips his shoulder supportively. "We'll figure it out," he mumbles. 

Those are the words that they live by, now. Step by step, they'll figure it out, one day, one case at a time. 

;;..

When they finish dinner and get to the apartment Josh shares with Debby and two others, Josh realizes takes a deep breath and feels disgusting. Partly from the Taco Bell of course but mostly from the hospital smell that lingers on his unwashed skin, the sterile sickness stitched right into his arm stub. 

"Am I allowed to shower yet?" He asks, looking between both Debby and Tyler. Tyler scrunches his face up, realizing that he could use some cleaning as well. 

"Yeah, we just have to make sure your stitches don't get wet." Josh looks at the bandage sticking out from under Tyler's basketball shorts. 

"How are we going to do that?" He asks, realizing that neither of them were going to have it easy until they were fully healed.

"Plastic wrap. We'll change bandages and wrap something around them," Tyler says. Josh nods. 

Josh goes to his room to put away his stuff. He simply tosses his bag into the corner, not bothering to unpack or look at anything in his room, especially the electric drum set that sits in another corner. 

"Can someone help me fix this up please?" Josh asks, returning to the room Debby and Tyler are sitting in, lifting his right shoulder. 

"Of course," Debby and Tyler say at the same time. Debby grins and waves Josh over, standing up herself and instructing him to take her place. Josh sinks into the old leather couch and rests his head on Tyler's right shoulder. 

“Is… is _it_ okay?” Tyler asks carefully. Josh nods. Then he shakes his head. He blinks.

“It hurts a lot,” he mumbles, closing his eyes. He hears Debby reenter the room. 

“Do you want me to do it?” Tyler asks, giving Debby a worried glance. Josh shakes his head more confidentially this time and finds Tyler’s hand. He grips it hard. He cries into Tyler’s shoulder when he feels Debby peel the bandages off. He shudders at the sound of Debby’s own small gasp, her wince once she sees the wound. He keeps his eyes closed tightly, his face pressed into Tyler’s side.

Debby mumbles apologies while she tends to the wound. Josh whimpers into Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler squeezes his hand and tries to sooth him with words of _it’s going to be okay, it’s almost over_ , but it’s not almost over and they all know it, this isn’t even the worst of what they will have to endure the next few months and even years, and it may not even be okay in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey !! finally updated. sorry i'm taking forever on literally all of my stories. I need to make a schedule or something so i can stay on track with everything. but anyways, sorry again for this really sad au omg, but i promise it'll get better!! i have a lot planned for this one. let me know what you think, leave comments and kudos if you like!  
> and hmu on tumblr if you ever want to chat or discuss happier joshler aus lol @s0joshdun 
> 
> hopefully i'll update again soon!! ily!!


	5. Dramatic Irony

Josh lets himself really cry when he’s in the safety of the shower. He spends twenty minutes in there, letting the water run cold into his eyes. Or at least it feels cold, but the pain in his lack of arm makes him unable to feel the heat. He licks his lips and revels in the fact that it’s not salt water, and that he can breathe, and that he’s safe here in _this_ water.

But he cries. It takes extra long to rinse the soap out of his hair. The suds are in his eyes and it burns and he’s crying right along with the stream of water.

Tyler is crying, too. Josh doesn’t know it, but he’s sitting by the door of the bathroom, just in case Josh falls or needs help. He hears Josh’s quiet sniffles in the shower and he knows he’s crying. Tyler cries and holds his mouth in his hands to keep himself from making a sound. He hates to hear Josh’s pain, specifically the pain caused by his own carelessness, pain that he can’t do anything about.

Josh finally thinks that the soap is all out and he has cried himself dry. He turns the water off, right as Tyler, unbeknownst to him, slips out of the bathroom. He sighs and carefully exists the shower, not really drying off before struggling to put on at least boxers. He doesn’t bother with anything else because it’s too hard to do by himself right now. He’s so exhausted, he feels as if he could pass out any second. 

Josh walks into the living area where Tyler and Debby are hanging out. He wobbles in the doorway. 

"Ty, you can have my room," Josh says with a yawn, rubbing his fist into his eyes sleepily. 

"Are you sure?" Tyler stands up and eyes the water droplets on Josh’s chest. 

Josh nods and motions to Debby's room. "I'll be in her room. I just," he sighs and shakes his head, imagining the taunting sound his drum set would make if he slept in there, "don't want to be in there."

Tyler swallows and nods. "Alright, Josh. Goodnight. If you need anything, y'know, we’re here," he smiles weakly and goes in for a hug. Josh rests his head on Tyler's shoulder and sighs contently. “I’m here.” 

_“Am I making things up or something, Deb?” Josh sighed in frustration. “I feel like a dumb ass.”_

_“I’m just as confused as you are, Josh,” she replied. They were sitting at the edge of Josh’s bed, home from a party with their friends. “I’m sorry.”_

_“I’m sorry, too. Wrong vibes I guess?”_

_“I guess. I just don’t want this to ruin our friend group. I love Tyler and Jenna as friends too. I don’t want things to be weird. I hate weird.” Debby pouted._

_Josh scooted closer to his best friend and swung an arm around her shoulders. They fell backwards together. Josh breathed against her cheek._

_“You smell like vodka,” she giggled._

_“I am vodka.”_

_“Hey!” Debby grinned and rolled to her side, facing Josh more directly. “Maybe alcohol was all it was. We all don’t normally drink, y’know? It could have made them confused and extra flirty. I sure feel that way.” She draped her arm over Josh’s side, gently scratching his back._

_“That’s true. We’re all ridiculous and complicated with our sexualities,” Josh huffed a small laugh. “Uncertainty and fear does strange things.”_

_“Maybe it’s easier to be straight.”_

_“Maybe we are all a bunch of moustaches.”_

_Debby laughed. “Well. I’d kiss your mustache, if it makes it easier for the both of us,” she suggested lightheartedly._

_“Firstly, I don’t have a mustache—”_

_“—Stubble—”_

_“—Okay yeah, stubble. But still. Secondly, I wouldn’t hate the idea. Give em a taste of their own medicine,” Josh snickered._

_“I’m in.”_

_Josh grinned. He leaned forward, slowly, and gently kissed Debby’s lips. They’ve kissed before, but not in this context. The image of Tyler and Jenna kissing and holding hands at the party flashed through his mind. Kissing Debby again, the memory faded away._

_“Hm, yeah, I don’t hate this,” Debby murmured with a small smile. “Our crushes dating each other… ironic as hell.”_

_“Might as well ironically date each other, then?” Josh added. And even though it wasn’t Tyler, Josh felt excited, happy, and safe with her presence._

_Debby tilted her head again and kissed Josh. “Why the heck not?”_

Josh snuggles up with Debby like old times, thinking about their brief time actually dating each other. Besides the reasoning behind coupling up, time with her was all happy memories. He nuzzles his head against her cheek affectionately. He feels comfortable with her here, although a tiny voice tells him that he'd be comfortable somewhere else, too. 

"You okay Josh-y?" She asks softly. 

"Yeah," Josh says. But he isn't sure because after falling asleep for a few hours, he wakes up with a sweat, breathing hard, shaking, chattering teeth. He sits up on the edge of the bed. 

“Nightmare, babe?” Debby sits up and rubs his back in support. 

Josh heaves a breath and sits at the edge of his bed. Debby’s hand is on his right shoulder. He looks down at her hand, his stump of an arm, her hand again. He feels sick. 

“I can’t sleep.”

“You should go see Ty.” 

“Bad idea. He needs sleep too. I’m not the only one who’s hurt.”

Debby hums and kisses his cheek. “You guys need each other. It’s your choice. I feel like he’d be welcoming. I know you need to see him right now. I know you, Josh.”

Josh smiles a little. “I know you know Debs, but I can’t.”

She hums again. “But you can.”

Josh turns to Debby and runs his fingers through her hair. He gently nudges her back. “Goodnight,” he says with a wistful smile. 

Josh sighs and stands up, slowly making his way out of the bedroom. He was going to go for a walk around the apartment, maybe outside, but he finds himself stopped outside of his room, where Tyler is sleeping. Is his hesitation from the fear of seeing his drum kit, or from the fear of being wrong about Tyler?

Josh turns around and slides down the wall, sitting outside the room in thought. Tyler and Jenna are still dating, though Tyler had mentioned a couple times on tour that he fears the constant travel and zoning into writing music has put a strain on their romantic relationship.

_“Of course I love her, she’s perfect. But sometimes I feel like her friend more than boyfriend.”_

_“Have you talked to her about this?” Josh asked. He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to hide his hopeful gaze._

_“Kind of. Sort of. She brought it up first, actually. Like, I feel like we’d all be okay if we broke up. Just like you and Debby, y’know?”_

_“Yeah, I get you. I’m happy with how things are with Debby, now.”_

_Tyler smiled. “Well, there’s no rush I guess. I’ll do some soul searching and talk to Jenna about it. Luckily we have you and Debs as models.”_

_Josh smiled back. “Yeah, man, we got your back. Take your time.” But really, Josh could hardly wait to see how things would turn out._

“It would be too weird,” Josh murmurs to himself, still debating about going to see Tyler. He rests his head back and closes his eyes. 

“Josh?”

Josh jolts up, wincing as the sudden movement pulled on his stitches. He drags his left palm down his face and groans. 

“You okay buddy?” Tyler kneels down, placing his hand on Josh’s shoulder.

“Uh. What time is it?”

“Seven in the morning.”

“Oh.” 

“You slept out here?”

“Um, I don’t know… I couldn’t sleep. Went for a walk. I guess I got really tired and couldn’t make it back to bed,” Josh half lies. _Did I really fall asleep out here? This looks pathetic_ , he thinks. 

“Oh, damn. I didn’t really sleep either,” Tyler says. He offers a hand to Josh and helps him stand up. Josh sways and leans against the wall. “You don’t look so hot.” 

“Mmm. I don’t feel so hot, either.”

Tyler wraps an arm around Josh’s body, using his other hand to feel his forehead. “You have a fever. C’mon, back to bed you go.”

Josh, in a daze, let’s Tyler lead him into his bedroom. He doesn't look at the drum kit. That doesn’t feel important all of a sudden. Just Tyler’s arms around him, his comforting presence, and the fact that his vision is starting to spot. 

“Fudge,” Josh mutters, weakly climbing into the bed, laying on his left side and facing the wall, shaking. “I might puke.”

“I got you,” Tyler rushes to the bathroom and grabs the waste bin, holding it to the side of the bed. Josh dry heaves into it. 

“Super attractive, isn’t this?” he says weakly.

“The most attractive,” Tyler laughs, patting Josh’s head. 

“I’m good, I’m good. Thanks, Ty,” Josh spits once into the trash can and sighs. 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah, yeah. My body just hates me.” 

“Hey, the doctor said this would happen. You’re good. After you rest some we’ll get some more antibiotics in your system.”

“Thank you,” Josh whispers. Tyler sets the trash can down. “How are you feeling?” He feels horrible that all the attention is on him because he knows Tyler is hurting, too. Physically definitely, but maybe mentally too.

“My leg’s on fire, but I’m feeling better. We are quite the pair right now, huh?” Tyler smiles. 

Josh smiles back and nods, closing his eyes. _Stay with me_ , he thinks. 

It doesn't take long for Josh to fade back into sleep. Out like a light, he doesn’t realize that he had actually said that out loud. He doesn’t feel Tyler crawling back into the bed, carefully, next to him. He doesn’t feel the kiss placed on the back of his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is anybody out there? 
> 
> 2 years later.... sup 
> 
> I fell out of the habit of writing and lost inspiration for all things creative for quite some time, life got busy, etc etc I could name a million more excuses. BUT if anyone is still reading, here's an update! I'm going to finish allllll of my stories and I'm excited to have motivation again. Comment, lemme know if you're still with me. I write for myself of course, but I write for other people, too... y'all keep me energized.
> 
> xoxoxo


	6. Adjustments

“I’m gonna be really selfish and admit that I wish you weren't going back to Ohio,” Debby says with a pout.

 

Josh smiles a little. “That’s not selfish Debs, it’s okay. I wish I didn’t have to go either. But, y’know, mothers,” he says with a shrug.

 

“It’ll be good for you,” she agrees sweetly. But Josh sinks a little more into the leather of the passenger seat of her car, sort of dreading the attention he was going to get at home. Of course he loves his family, but being home makes the reality of the situation far too real for his comfort.

 

Tyler pipes in from the back. “Like I said, Josh, you’re welcome at my house anytime, okay?”

 

Josh turns his head and nods at Tyler, weakly smiling. “Thanks.” Except he sort of dreads the Tyler-Jenna reunion, too. Plus, their families are practically each other’s. Ohio is going to be overwhelming, to say the least.

 

They had spent the last few days quietly recuperating at Josh and Debby’s apartment. Tyler and Josh both agreed that they needed to come to terms with things themselves first, before they could assimilate back into regular life with their families. Whatever regular life means now, anyway.

 

“We’ll talk soon,” Josh murmurs, hugging Debby bye at the gate.

 

Josh and Tyler hadn’t spoken much to each other since the morning Josh woke up with a fever, resulting in their snuggly nap together. A sort of tension had surfaced; a tension that had always existed for them as individuals but now feels way more tangible. Josh is torn because he fears getting hurt by merely platonic affection. Tyler is torn because he isn’t sure how giving into his feelings for Josh—whatever they are—would affect their recovery as humans... and as a band.

 

But since the shark attack, their minds are on high alert for anything remotely life endangering. Seemingly anything bad can happen, now. So, despite the lack of words expressed between the pair, Tyler makes sure to sit on Josh’s left on the plane, so that, just in case there’s turbulence or a shaky take off or landing, he can hold his hand.

 

\--

 

Both of their family members are anxiously awaiting for them at the airport. There’s a strain visible in their eyes, but all smiles to reunite with their boys. 

 

Josh feels self conscious. Tyler can tell. Their fingers touch as they walk out of the gate. Tyler wants to hold his hand to comfort him, but isn’t sure.

 

“Ty,” Josh mutters, stopping. Tyler looks at him expectantly. Josh reaches for his hand, gives it a firm squeeze, and then drops it. He walks around to Tyler’s other side, so that Tyler slightly disguises the fact that Josh doesn’t have a right arm. “I feel less vulnerable this way,” he says quietly. 

 

Tyler nods and patted Josh’s back, understanding. It’s not a lot of coverage, but it’s enough so that Josh doesn’t feel like his lack of arm is the first thing people look at when they see him. He immediately has the urge to dye his faded hair into a bright, neon color.

 

Josh’s self consciousness and anxiety returns as soon as they reach their families--Jenna included--and Tyler steps away to greet them.

 

“Baby,” Josh’s mom smiles softly, wrapping her arms around him. Josh sighs and rests his head on her shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

 

“I’m fine.” Josh glances at Tyler, who’s in the process of hugging Jenna. He gulps and looks away, greeting his three siblings instead of paying attention to Tyler. His parents had gone to the hospital back when Josh was in the ICU, but he hadn’t seen his brother or sisters, yet.

 

“Hey guys,” he smiles, but it’s not his usual, excited smile that stretches through his features. The corners of his mouth weakly lift. He goes to hug them, only to receive the painful reminder that he can’t hug, not completely anyway. 

 

“Missed you, Josh. I’m glad you’re doing okay,” Ashley says, reaching out and holding onto her brother a little extra tightly. Josh is passed to his other sister, Abigail, for a half hug. Jordan, his brother, pats him on the back. 

 

“Yeah, you scared us,” he adds, lightly teasing. 

 

“Ha, ha,” Josh rolls his eyes. “I’m happy to see you guys, too. It’s been too long.”

 

“For real! Now you’re stuck with us for a while,” Abigail says with a grin.

 

“Don’t remind me,” Josh groans, mostly joking until he remembers the implications of it all: the reason he hardly saw his family was because of the constant touring with twenty one pilots. He isn’t so sure how much of that he’ll get to do now, if ever again. 

 

\--

 

“We’re gonna have so much fun!” Ashley squeals when they got back to their childhood home. All the siblings are moved out at this point, but, besides Josh, they live locally. “Like old times,” she continues, helping Josh into their family room. 

 

Josh tries to smile, but he can’t find much of one within him. He accidently had witnessed a Tyler-Jenna kiss and it hurt him more than it used to. Tyler was going to stay with his family for a little while, but he still had his own place out here in Ohio, bunking with a couple of guys from college plus their creative video producer buddy, Mark. Tyler could still have a sense of normalcy here. Josh, on the other hand, was stuck and already homesick for LA. More than that, he was already homesick for the touring road and Tyler. 

 

“I can’t do anything like we used to,” Josh mumbles. Video games. Sports. It all sounds impossible right now. All he feels like he can do is passively sit by and watch everyone else do everything for--and without--him. 

 

“Don’t be baby, Josh,” Abigail lightly nudges Josh’s arm, sitting next to him on the couch. She pats his left hand and looks up at her brother with a smile. “I’ll show you how to be a lefty. We just gotta make some adjustments.”

 

Josh breathes out through his mouth. “Adjustments,” he repeats with a nod. 

 

\--

 

The rest of the day, Josh’s family--extended family included--floats in and out of the house with flowers and balloons and cards. Of course Josh appreciates all of it, but everything also adds to the reminder that his trauma occurred. The reality that he doesn’t have a right arm is bad enough. He hasn’t even begun to process the fact that he almost _died_. 

 

The sun had been so bright. Tyler had been so frantic. Josh couldn’t move or think or blink or feel, and yet felt everything all at once. The memory of Tyler screaming, and then screaming for Josh, is what sticks the most.

 

Josh shudders. He’s exhausted from traveling and all of the activity around him. People brought dinners to his family, too, to help Mrs. Dun out so she doesn’t have to worry about anything besides tending to Josh. It was all very nice. But Josh could take care of himself.

 

He excuses himself from his family and heads to his room. He hasn’t been here in years, probably. It still looks the same. The same slate grey walls. The same navy blue quilt splayed across a full size bed, complete with a grey decorative pillow because that’s how his mom likes to keep it. The same dresser with old high school t shirts stuffed in the drawers. The same desk that he had never really used much--his sister was the writer of the family. No TV or x-box set up; that was in the basement so the entire family could share. 

 

And in a corner, there it was, that same practice drum set that carried Josh all through high school. Somewhere in a box amongst other tour items that he had shipped back after the accident were his drum sticks. The same pair that carried him from early high school all the way through twenty one pilots. While he had other nicer, more expensive pairs, he always had made sure that those sticks were with him, sometimes even in his back pocket during show time. He played with them in one song every concert, enough to show them love but not enough to wear them out or break them. 

 

Josh doesn’t bother unpacking his boxes. He doesn’t want to see his drum sticks. He looks down to his right as he sits down at the drum set, his left hand gingerly running fingers across the pads. His face twists and scrunches and his eyes burn. The top of his tattoo is still there, the same sun and starry night like colors, but the rest is gone. And it kills Josh to see every time he looks. 

 

The tree is ripped from its roots and it won’t ever grow back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoy and thanks for reading :D


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